I would like to apologize to you guys. God can take it, and he hasn't struck me down with lightning yet, so we'll work it out. But I did not need to take my anger at life, the universe, and everything, out on you guys by being as offensive as possible.
Last week was one of the most difficult weeks of my life, I became a stand up comedy producer and everything went wrong. I am writing a new blog about the tragedy and victories of the day.
I am also having a crisis of faith these days. Its been going on for a very long time. Probably since the day I graduated from Teen Mania, and saw that the world wasn't like Ron Luce said it was. Not blaming him, he obviously sincerely believes what he believes. Who am I to say he or any of the other Christian leaders I have followed since then are wrong? I have no idea. Thats the problem, I don't have a clue. I remember when I believed that God was speaking to me. I looked back on a lot of "prophesies" that I had written down and saw a simple pattern, when God speaks to me I get excited then fizzle out. Just like I am with my big ideas, I'm sure this one is it, I have never had an idea this good before! God gave me this idea, this is inspired. Maybe that was the problem, I was told that I should expect God to answer prayers and I thought I could expect Him to follow through on prophesies. Especially when they are in old english or have nifty rhymes like 2009 we're doin' fine! Because obviously God speak to his people through bad poetry. I don't know, I haven't stopped believing in god, nor have I stopped believing that Jesus died for me. But there is something missing, and there is even more added to compensate for the missing...
Maybe I'll take the time to write more about it. Maybe I just need to write and explore new ideas, and read and occasionally go to church. I miss praise and worship, I really do, that was my favorite, the simple abandon. I miss loving Jesus, and feeling that heart tug to be with him, but who am I kidding those times were incredibly far and few between. So yeah, crisis of faith. I don't know how you do it. I feel like to be a good Christian I have close my eyes and plug my ears and yell, "LA LA LA LA LA" to drown out the sin. Maybe I have just been enticed by the world, and found that it wasn't as bad as they said it was. Maybe I a blind hedonist spiraling into death and decay, and my sin is going eat me alive and pay me in death. Or maybe I'll do my best to love people, and I'll not judge them, and I'll work out to be a perfect image of Jesus anyway. Its all doubtful. We'll see, if need be i can still BS Christianity with the best of them.
Anyway, I do apologize for being such a jerk with the blog i deleted.
Comments (6)
Yeah, totally went through a time like that, oddly enough after I finished an internship too. And spent a whole year questioning God, and what people have done with him and his book. And at the end of that year, I looked back and realized that it was the worst most unblessed year of my life...it really sucked. I still don't have all the answers I think I need, but I know I am better off acknowledging that he is directing my path even if it doesn't always take me where I want to go. And really the the thing I have the most problem with is not Jesus, its what christians have interpreted him to be. I miss the worship too. And really, sure Jesus pulled off some miracles, but most of what he did...was love people...and not judge him...I think I can do that, or at least try.
I've been there too bro. If you ever want to chat about it or anything please dont hesitate to call me.
Thanks for being open, both with your anger and with your struggles.
I'm glad things are going better for you today.
First off, I didn't see the entry, but just b/c you have a bad day doesn't mean you're an ass, at least, I don't see you as one.
Also, something that has helped me in the past when I'm feeling this way (which is often) is to just stop looking at how bad I am. I mean, Jesus died for me before I even cared about him. So, I can't base my relationship with him on looking at myself. It's never been about me. It's about how good He is. The quickest way for me to spiral into suicidal thoughts and massive depression is to look at myself instead of Him, because there is, in the most literal sense of the word, nothing good in me. Hey, I'm a nice guy, but when if comes to what's going on deep inside, I'm one of the worst offenders ever. I can't stand to look at myself some days.
All that to say, Pat, stop looking at how worthy you're not. Okay, you're not worthy to even talk to God and never will be. Fine. That's never what it's been about, man. The Bible says that whatever we look at the most is what we will start looking like. So look at how good Jesus is, and just don't be worried about you, because I guarantee He's not. I mean, yeah, you have to try, but with Him, it's the thought that counts.
Sorry this is a long post. I agree with Murfreesbro, if you ever need to talk, call. I know you have my cell in your list somewhere.
-j
I think comedians take things more seriously than anybody else. Heh. Weird.
Difficult times are good -- you know we wouldn't grow without them, so - being the God-fearing type - take it as a sign that He trusts you to handle these burdens, and assume that they're given to you because they're necessary steps to get to greater places. Which they are.
Greater, mind you, not necessarily better, or nicer. For all of their obedience, Jesus' own disciples were crucified, beheaded, stabbed and stoned to death. There's no guarantee that this life will ever grant us anything good, or easy -- so be wary when it does.
As far as the "something missing"... that is the human condition; it's the same for us all. It's what has motivated all of humanity, ever. The search for it is our defining characteristic,and - should you find it, Patrick, let me know, because there are 7 billion other people on the planet currently searching for it, too. Sure, yeah, some people act like they've got their shit together... but at night, when they're alone with their thoughts... there's still something missing.
It's the search for the impossible. No one has ever found it in this life, because it's not here. But... we shouldn't let that stop us. Heh.
Also, please don't take that as preaching, really. That's pretty much exactly how God has had to explain things to me, again and again, over the years. Only, He didn't call me Patrick. Heh.